It is with sadness that I must inform the reader of this blog that on the night of January 7th., we lost the child we were carrying.
That day, we had our monthly appointment. After a few red flags during the exam, we were told an ultrasound was needed. The ultrasound revealed our child and a mass of cells. Stephanie was diagnosed with a partial molar pregnancy. Stephanie's condition rapidly declined throughout the rest of the day and by evening, we had lost our child and almost Stephanie too.
At the conclusion of that week, our child would have been twenty weeks along. We never were able to determine the gender. We named her Cori, because we suspected she was a girl and had decided upon the name Coraline if that was the case.
I would like to dedicate the remainder of this blog, to call attention to Cori's impact on her mother and father during her short life. In just nineteen weeks, Cori caused in us: joy, comfort, warmth, excitement, eagerness, shock, sadness, fear, and longing. Steph and I laughed when we discovered she was created, and we wept bitterly when we discovered she had died.
In the first post in this blog, I quoted an ancient Greek Commander/Philosopher. Little did I know, that it would be our child, not us, who would do the things that deserved to be written. I hope that before I die, I can say as much.
She also briefly created a dissonance in the relationship between the Father and myself. When I would go to God, there was something between us that needed to be addressed and resolved. It was two questions: Why did this happen and where had Cori gone?
I found God's answer to my confusion in His Word. In 2nd Samuel, King David's newborn son became sick. David wept, fasted, and pleaded with God to spare his son. Seven days after birth, his son died. David then got up, washed himself, changed his clothes, and worshiped the Lord. A servant asked him how he could change so quickly. David's response was that while the child was alive, the Lord might still save him. So he prayed hard for that. "But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."
God had revealed to King David that his son was in the same place he would go when he died. Heaven. There lied the answer to my question and brought an underlying comfort to my sadness.
While my daughter was still innocent and small enough to fit inside my hands, everything in this harsh world rejected her. But the God of the universe saw her, loved her, and carried her to a much safer and happier place than I could ever offer. Some day, I will go to her and the God that saved her.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Thursday, December 25, 2014
The Upcoming Move
Its Christmas time in Middlebury Indiana. The vegetation is brown, fields are empty, and temperatures cold. As you drive though this barren landscape and look to either side of the road, the homes of the Amish look as if they are in need of snow to match their siding. Compared to last year the weather is very mild. Temperatures in the mid thirties to low forties have allowed us concrete finishers to continue working very late into the season. We finally hung up our hats for 2014 the week before Christmas not because of the cold or lack of work, but because our bodies needed a couple weeks off.
Coinciding with the last week of concrete work, was finals week of my night classes. For the past five months, my schedule had been completely consumed by work and classes. I started my days before my family was up and went to sleep after they were already in bed. Needless to say, I am glad to have my evenings back and some time to write a blog.
Throughout my busy schedule, Steph and I have also begun midwife appointments to ensure everything is going swimmingly with our tiniest family member. Though we've been through this stage of pregnancy before, I feel strangely inexperienced. I was unprepared for the drastic reduction in doctors visits that a "normal" pregnancy requires. The baby is doing well and somewhere around eighteen weeks along. By this time last year, we had seen so many doctors, midwives, nurses, and specialists at Methodist Hospital that they were asking us for directions to the bathroom. The ease of this pregnancy is remarkable. We go in about once a month to a birthing center where a midwife feels up my wife's belly and uses a microphone to listen to the baby's heartbeat. If all is well, we go home and see her next month.
We have been told that as long as it is not medically necessary, we will not have an ultrasound and everything will be fine. Last time, we were fortunate to participate in a study through IU Health that allowed us to have an ultrasound much earlier than usual. The result of that ultrasound revealed the twins and that changed the pregnancy. Surely, we aren't having multiples again right?
Purely for comfort, I have conducted a bit of scholarly research on the matter. According to babycenter.com, the probability of having identical twins is 1 in 285. And huggies.com states that identical twins are completely random and there are no factors that contribute to having multiple sets, save luck and the judicious humor of the Lord. Despite the reassurance provided by these credible institutions, I still can't help but feel a little suspicious.
The matter of when we will be moving to Illinois has been decided at least. With much glee, I accepted a job offer from Country Financial and will be starting there the second week in January. We will try to make the move the week before.
So it appears that the Yoder family will once again make a move in the middle of a pregnancy. I foresee many new challenges this move will present to us. Somehow we will have to move heavy objects, while maintaining the safety of both my pregnant wife and our energetic offspring. I have always been one to frown upon parents who publicly put a harness on their kids and anchor them to their bodies. But as I consider the boys ability to quickly hone into the sharpest, most dangerous objects in a room; I am reminded that their end goal is to run head long into it or put it in their mouth. The child leash idea doesn't seem as crazy as it once did.
Coinciding with the last week of concrete work, was finals week of my night classes. For the past five months, my schedule had been completely consumed by work and classes. I started my days before my family was up and went to sleep after they were already in bed. Needless to say, I am glad to have my evenings back and some time to write a blog.
Throughout my busy schedule, Steph and I have also begun midwife appointments to ensure everything is going swimmingly with our tiniest family member. Though we've been through this stage of pregnancy before, I feel strangely inexperienced. I was unprepared for the drastic reduction in doctors visits that a "normal" pregnancy requires. The baby is doing well and somewhere around eighteen weeks along. By this time last year, we had seen so many doctors, midwives, nurses, and specialists at Methodist Hospital that they were asking us for directions to the bathroom. The ease of this pregnancy is remarkable. We go in about once a month to a birthing center where a midwife feels up my wife's belly and uses a microphone to listen to the baby's heartbeat. If all is well, we go home and see her next month.
We have been told that as long as it is not medically necessary, we will not have an ultrasound and everything will be fine. Last time, we were fortunate to participate in a study through IU Health that allowed us to have an ultrasound much earlier than usual. The result of that ultrasound revealed the twins and that changed the pregnancy. Surely, we aren't having multiples again right?
Purely for comfort, I have conducted a bit of scholarly research on the matter. According to babycenter.com, the probability of having identical twins is 1 in 285. And huggies.com states that identical twins are completely random and there are no factors that contribute to having multiple sets, save luck and the judicious humor of the Lord. Despite the reassurance provided by these credible institutions, I still can't help but feel a little suspicious.
The matter of when we will be moving to Illinois has been decided at least. With much glee, I accepted a job offer from Country Financial and will be starting there the second week in January. We will try to make the move the week before.
So it appears that the Yoder family will once again make a move in the middle of a pregnancy. I foresee many new challenges this move will present to us. Somehow we will have to move heavy objects, while maintaining the safety of both my pregnant wife and our energetic offspring. I have always been one to frown upon parents who publicly put a harness on their kids and anchor them to their bodies. But as I consider the boys ability to quickly hone into the sharpest, most dangerous objects in a room; I am reminded that their end goal is to run head long into it or put it in their mouth. The child leash idea doesn't seem as crazy as it once did.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Unisom + B6
So we are currently at the forefront of another first trimester. Last year during this stage was a very dark, distressing time with Steph constantly being sick. As I reflect this year, I choose to remember the fond aspects of those times: Since Steph ate nothing, we saved a bundle on groceries. Bed-ridden, she also caught up on all her favorite TV shows. We got a bargain of a deal on treatment at the urgent care clinic. While house shopping, Steph's heightened sensitivity to smells allowed us to detect mold before stepping through the door, and no doubt the acidic qualities of stomach bile kept our toilet squeaky clean.
But before I get carried away reminiscing too much on all those joyous times of the past, the reality of the present brings me back to earth. The hope that no twins, means no nausea was quickly shot down. Though not as sick as last time, to say Steph is her lovable energetic self would be lying. That being said, there have been a notable number of days in which she has not been paralyzed by vomiting.
The tricky part this time around, will be maintaining our autonomy and hardiness while residing in our transitional setting. To briefly catch the reader up to speed, the Yoder family is currently in the middle of an elaborate process of moving from Indianapolis, Indiana to Bloomington/Normal (BloNo), Illinois. Since we are currently living in neither the former nor the later, I suppose we could consider Middlebury the purgatory of this process. Here I fearlessly work like a dog, study like a fiend, and love like a father under the roof of my kindhearted parents. I hope to save enough money and learn the new skills needed to make a successful transition to Illinois at the beginning of 2015.
Now I love my hometown of Middlebury and its a great place to raise a family. However, we are used to calling the shots, depending on each other, and pushing through the hard times by ourselves. Adding parents with good intentions to the mix complicates things. If we're not careful, the tenderness of my loving mother will turn us soft. To survive this stage as a family, sometimes its necessary to stick out things like nausea by ourselves and reject the constant aid offered by my parents. In doing so, we maintain a little discipline and sharpness that will come in handy when we are living on our own again.
We don't reject all the help from my parents, its actually been really great being around them this much. My schedule is abnormally busy and so having my mother around to help Steph with the boys in the evenings has been clutch. When it comes to date night, they are also quick to offer their services as babysitters. There are few I trust more with my children then our parents. The humility of my father is something I hope rubs off my boys and myself while we're here.
Sure breathing the fresh Northern Indiana air is refreshing and having monster cookies readily available in the kitchen is great, but we are most eager to restart our lives in BloNo and rejoin our friends in their mission at the church we were married in. Our children will be raised in a strong community that loves the living God. If everything goes to plan, this new baby will be the first Illini born member of our family.
But before I get carried away reminiscing too much on all those joyous times of the past, the reality of the present brings me back to earth. The hope that no twins, means no nausea was quickly shot down. Though not as sick as last time, to say Steph is her lovable energetic self would be lying. That being said, there have been a notable number of days in which she has not been paralyzed by vomiting.
The tricky part this time around, will be maintaining our autonomy and hardiness while residing in our transitional setting. To briefly catch the reader up to speed, the Yoder family is currently in the middle of an elaborate process of moving from Indianapolis, Indiana to Bloomington/Normal (BloNo), Illinois. Since we are currently living in neither the former nor the later, I suppose we could consider Middlebury the purgatory of this process. Here I fearlessly work like a dog, study like a fiend, and love like a father under the roof of my kindhearted parents. I hope to save enough money and learn the new skills needed to make a successful transition to Illinois at the beginning of 2015.
Now I love my hometown of Middlebury and its a great place to raise a family. However, we are used to calling the shots, depending on each other, and pushing through the hard times by ourselves. Adding parents with good intentions to the mix complicates things. If we're not careful, the tenderness of my loving mother will turn us soft. To survive this stage as a family, sometimes its necessary to stick out things like nausea by ourselves and reject the constant aid offered by my parents. In doing so, we maintain a little discipline and sharpness that will come in handy when we are living on our own again.
We don't reject all the help from my parents, its actually been really great being around them this much. My schedule is abnormally busy and so having my mother around to help Steph with the boys in the evenings has been clutch. When it comes to date night, they are also quick to offer their services as babysitters. There are few I trust more with my children then our parents. The humility of my father is something I hope rubs off my boys and myself while we're here.
Sure breathing the fresh Northern Indiana air is refreshing and having monster cookies readily available in the kitchen is great, but we are most eager to restart our lives in BloNo and rejoin our friends in their mission at the church we were married in. Our children will be raised in a strong community that loves the living God. If everything goes to plan, this new baby will be the first Illini born member of our family.
"Don't They Know How That Happens?"
As I'm writing this, its been almost eleven months since I experienced one of the most exhilarating days in my life and became a Father. I am glad that I wrote down all the details because so much life has happened since then that my memory is fading. But there are images that have been imprinted onto my mind that I am confident I will never forget: when the ultrasound tech told us there was twins on the screen in front of us, the sound of Steph's voice waking me when her water broke, the thrill of Jackson's emergence from the womb, the confused look in Samson's eyes as he lay under a lamp in the NICU, and how rich I felt when I first held both boys at once in my arms. I was changed eleven months ago.
My lifestyle is very different from what it once was, a lifestyle many fathers have proudly embraced before me. It is more challenging, less efficient, unscheduled, fly by the seat of my pants, unpredictable, high stakes, and self-denying. But I have discovered I love it! Stretched thin, physically exhausted but maintaining my alertness I live my life as it comes at me. Changing accordingly when needed and abandoning whatever plans I had as they become impossible to achieve. The fuel behind my drive is the rewards I am constantly granted from those I interact with. Less money, less time, less man-toys, more responsibilities, and more sacrifice has resulted in increased happiness. God has made himself more available and interactive. I now feel like I am in line with whatever His purpose is for my life and He is the one driving. Though financially we are lacking, I truly feel rich.
So much has happened since the boys came and to get you up to speed with all the details would be a waste of blog space. Here is the short of it: I left my teaching career, Steph is a stay at home Mom, we are in the process of moving from Indy to Bloomington/ Normal Illinois, Jackson and Samson are walking, I almost joined the military, and we are expecting a new member to our family.
I will probably address most of those changes individually and with detail in later blogs, but the last one is the biggest news and the focus of them all. I couldn't help but laugh when a member of my family responded with "Don't they know how that happens?" We want more kids because of how much better our lives are. However, we are a family in transition and that is not the ideal situation to begin pregnancy. Could we have waited to have another? Sure but I want more kids, my wife wants more kids, my wife is smoking hot, and if you fill in the blanks it was inevitable that we would quickly reproduce again. So we met this great news with nothing but joy.
We do not take it for granted that we are being given the opportunity to parent another person, many people who desire to be parents cannot. We are incredibly grateful that God has allowed us another child. He is doing something and using us in this way for a greater goal. His specific purpose for our new family member is hidden from us at the moment, but exciting to ponder none the less. Our baby currently is somewhere around 8-9 weeks along and the size of a tadpole.
So the purpose of this new blog is to once again chronicle the events of another pregnancy (from my perspective) in order to provide a means for reflection, creative expression, and friend/family information communication. I have less time than I did before and my literary genius has no doubt suffered from my lack of sleep. But my quest is noble, I will blunder my way through it and if necessary make up the words to convey my meaning. Onward and upwards.
"True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written, and writing what deserves to be read."
-Pliny the Elder
My lifestyle is very different from what it once was, a lifestyle many fathers have proudly embraced before me. It is more challenging, less efficient, unscheduled, fly by the seat of my pants, unpredictable, high stakes, and self-denying. But I have discovered I love it! Stretched thin, physically exhausted but maintaining my alertness I live my life as it comes at me. Changing accordingly when needed and abandoning whatever plans I had as they become impossible to achieve. The fuel behind my drive is the rewards I am constantly granted from those I interact with. Less money, less time, less man-toys, more responsibilities, and more sacrifice has resulted in increased happiness. God has made himself more available and interactive. I now feel like I am in line with whatever His purpose is for my life and He is the one driving. Though financially we are lacking, I truly feel rich.
So much has happened since the boys came and to get you up to speed with all the details would be a waste of blog space. Here is the short of it: I left my teaching career, Steph is a stay at home Mom, we are in the process of moving from Indy to Bloomington/ Normal Illinois, Jackson and Samson are walking, I almost joined the military, and we are expecting a new member to our family.
I will probably address most of those changes individually and with detail in later blogs, but the last one is the biggest news and the focus of them all. I couldn't help but laugh when a member of my family responded with "Don't they know how that happens?" We want more kids because of how much better our lives are. However, we are a family in transition and that is not the ideal situation to begin pregnancy. Could we have waited to have another? Sure but I want more kids, my wife wants more kids, my wife is smoking hot, and if you fill in the blanks it was inevitable that we would quickly reproduce again. So we met this great news with nothing but joy.
We do not take it for granted that we are being given the opportunity to parent another person, many people who desire to be parents cannot. We are incredibly grateful that God has allowed us another child. He is doing something and using us in this way for a greater goal. His specific purpose for our new family member is hidden from us at the moment, but exciting to ponder none the less. Our baby currently is somewhere around 8-9 weeks along and the size of a tadpole.
So the purpose of this new blog is to once again chronicle the events of another pregnancy (from my perspective) in order to provide a means for reflection, creative expression, and friend/family information communication. I have less time than I did before and my literary genius has no doubt suffered from my lack of sleep. But my quest is noble, I will blunder my way through it and if necessary make up the words to convey my meaning. Onward and upwards.
"True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written, and writing what deserves to be read."
-Pliny the Elder
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